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My Journal
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First off, I am
a total
recluse-socialite.
I understand
that this is in
fact an
oxymoron,
however, much of
me is, as you
continue down
this passage
much this will
become all to
apparent. What I
mean by this is
simply that I do
have a socialite
persona. I very
much enjoy,
traveling,
attending
educational
establishments,
strolling around
town and dancing
at clubs. I do
most all these
things that
involve others
with only one
chosen person.
All the people
around me I
block out and I
feel that they
are just filler
on this stage of
life.
Components that
are necessary,
but not needed
in the greater
scheme of
things.
I
do totally live
in my own world.
I am
understanding
this more and
more as I am in
this tour of my
mind. I am not
as far to say
that I am a
agoraphobic,
however some of
my aquatics may
beg to differ. I
have a routine
that I do that
stray that far
from. I do not
wish to hang in
social settings
for the simple
reason of “being
there”. My life
is far too busy;
I’d rather be
home creating
and learning. I
spend 80% of my
time when in
Denver in my
home, drawing,
writing, working
on my static
books or other
artistic
outlets.
Every morning I
go rollerblading
and have my work
out routine. I
take very good
care of my body.
I keep fit,
healthy and
tone. Although
on the surface I
am very much
like every other
woman, forever
believing that I
am over weight
and never look
good enough.
This is not the
underlining
reason why I do
this. I do it
for the
prolonging
attributes
caused by
leading a
healthy life.
Truth is that I
have too many
things that I
wish to
accomplish in
this life. I
already feel as
I have wasted 25
years of my life
getting to this
point of simply
understanding
this. I wish to
live another
century and I
will work very
hard to
accomplish this.
It’s not that I
fear death, I
fear not living.
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All day
at home, I will be
watching the discovery
channel or other
learning stations while
creating my art. I am a
clean freak, of mind,
body and sole. Never
satisfied with the state
of my living space. I
have been told that I am
immensely neurotic. I
wash my cloths as soon
as I return from the
place which had dirtied
them. I brush my teeth
about 5 times a day and
shower it least 3 times
any given day. I spend
much time taking care of
my skin with sprays,
lotions for my different
parts and massage. I
meditate several times a
week and self reflect on
my accomplishments and
goals, past and future.
I use a day planner and
daily goal sheet to make
sure that I do not stray
that far from my 3 main
goals: My Music, Art and
Poetry. Everything else
is my life fillers to
keep me occupied and
mentally fulfilled.
Despite my demeanor or
the perception I give
off of who I am, I truly
do not have that many
“Friends”. I spend much
of my time alone. I have
perhaps 10 people that I
would place in this
category spread
throughout the world.
Only 2 that I actually
get together on a
monthly basses. I
suppose the reasoning
behind this is that wish
to focus my energy
rather than spread it
out. I am more of a
quality seeker than
quantity. However I will
give anyone the chance
if they approach me with
the interest of
friendship. More so than
friends I have business
connections. This is
more necessary and
desired along my path of
life. I don’t really
need a shoulder to cry
on. My life does not
call for this. However
my life does call for
learning, experience and
opportunity.
I very much enjoy
attending a club once a
week in rotations to
once every 3 months. I
do not drink, smoke or
do drugs, wish to party
or desire to get laid,
so my passion is in the
dance. I am freed by
this action. If you have
seen me perhaps you may
see this. I dance for
me. Everything around me
melts into the music and
the music penetrates my
sole and takes me over.
I will dance anywhere to
any type of music. I
will attend any musical
entertainment
establishment of any
genre. I am not
prejudice to a certain
people or stile. I am
perhaps overly eclectic.
I will attend gatherings
with all middle aged
black folk, to an event
geared towards the
“Redneck” crowd. I can
enjoy my self most
anywhere at any time. I
am very low maintenance
in this way. I will seek
out the one intellectual
conversation in any
crowd. I am a culture
vulture and always
desire to learn the
reasoning of the human
mind. So I spend much of
my time talking to all
kinds of people from all
the different walks of
life. People interest me
on the surface level.
They make me understand
my own humanity. There
actions and reactions
further my understanding
of people, society and
groups with societies.
There view, both the
negative and positive
intrigue me. There
perception of who I am
by my attire,
employment, entourage
or dialogue can further
create an understanding
of myself and perhaps
what I need to work on,
enhance and possibly
even change.
I am a child
of experience and the
need to understand these
experiences. Much that I
do is simply a self
awareness social
experiment. I as a
writer, not only of the
poetic nature, but of
films, I choose to
employ myself a bit more
on the edge than others
would desire. This fills
me with feelings and
thoughts that I may not
otherwise have. It
surrounds me with
interesting people for
my character development
of myself and for my
films. I become more
rounded and worldly.
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I have done many
things that go
against my
better judgment
to see my
feelings,
reactions and
thoughts on the
subject. I have
worked as
district manager
of the clothing
ring, “The Body
Shop,” worked
the floor at a
skating rink,
worked in
homeless
shelters, with
disabled
children, as a
escort, a tour
manager for
bands, singer,
crime scene
clean up,
stripper,
t-shirt screen
printer and much
more. All these
experiences have
moved me further
towards my
understanding of
the human
experience and
desires. I can
channel these
emotions when
acting in a
movie or in my
writings.
However I do
have
limitations, I
have experienced
to the edge of
them, however; I
will not pass
them, and many
of them that I
have experienced
I will never
return to. I
hold no regret,
just not the
desire to travel
those paths once
more. |
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I have been
the most dependent, to
the most independent
person that you may ever
run across. I need, and
need to not need. I’ll
run away at the first
sign of trouble, or try
for years at no end, and
more often then not, to
no avail, to fix things
for the fear of the
change I long for. I
will never let go of
people once loved
despite how it ended and
I will never hold a
grudge. I get taken
advantage of on a
regular basses and seem
to allow this. I feel
that perhaps they need
it more than I. Every
time I swear that it is
the last, it never
ceases to be. I am a
glutton for punishment
at times, but never cry
over spilt milk and it
is easy for me to move
on. So move I do, and
must.
I am an open
book for those who wish
to read. You may ask
yourself why would I
unveil my self in such a
way and bare myself in
this way to people who
don’t event know me. As
my desire to understand,
I also have a desire
matched to be
understood. Some may see
that I am leaving myself
vulnerable by releasing
myself this way. However
I see this not to be the
case. I don’t know you
so although your opinion
is important on the
surface, it is not on a
deeper level and will
not effect me. I have no
secrets and do not wish
to. I just really don’t
care. If someone
actually cares enough
about me to thoroughly
read through this than
this is someone that I
would more so desire to
know rather than some
simpleton who all to
simply comments upon my
persona. I do not lie.
I see not the point. No
one could say this
better than Oliver
Twist, in the character
of Gulliver speaking of
the Yennams to the
court, “To speak that
which is an untruth; a
lie; would defeat the
very purpose of speech
itself.” Perhaps I just
do not care what people
think, but I know this
not to be true.
Often I
receive the opinions of
what people thought of
me before they conversed
with me. More often than
not the consciences view
is that I am a slut,
stuck up and to good for
people. I understand
where these thoughts
come from; my
appearance. It is the
first thing people
notice about me. Well,
I’m not bad… I’m just
photographed that way. I
am not a slut, however I
do not believe in total
monogamy. I do not sleep
around. Sex is way too
complicated for me to
wish to deal with. Those
who know me better seem
to believe that I never
get laid; this is not
the case ether. I do not
see the reasoning of the
act simply because I
have the ability. The
quality rather than the
quantity comes into play
here. I have my select
lovers that I stick to.
I just do not see the
need for addition; and
when I do, I will. I
can let go and I have.
I can detach; but in the
end I always go back to
my strong morals. It was
my strong morals that
made me wish to
experiment in the first
place. I have gone to
the dark side, played
there, returned with
greater understanding
and no regret. Perhaps
some pain, but without
pain one would not know
or truly understand the
impact of pleasure.
I am perhaps
the simplest most
complex person that I
know. But truths be it
told that I do know yet
only myself, and I spend
much of my time trying
to understand me. I need
to be loved and left
alone. I am as high
maintenance as I am low.
I have as many walls as
I have doors. I will let
anyone into my library
of who I am, however,
not into the volt of my
soul. Not one person has
entered here to date. I
am strong, demanding and
the weakest person that
can be easily broke; and
I have. I hide behind
myself and constantly
question why. Forever
wishing to escape these
chains I have places
upon myself. I have been
fighting myself in this
internal battle that has
lasted many years.
Knowing that I can never
win when I am fighting
myself. When I do win, I
am still there, so
what’s the point? You
will read much of this
in my poetics. The war
between my
personalities. Demontia
forever trying to
subjugate XZanthia,
Cherie’s pain and Katt’s
spitefulness with the
overview of Vampire
Rose.
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I
think way too
much. The
thoughts never
cease to flow.
More often than
not this is an
annoyance rather
than an
advantage. They
keep me up at
night. I have to
have a film
running just to
quiet them long
enough to drift
to sleep. My
dreams are
intense and
often follow me
into my wakening
hours. My heart
throbs and I
become short of
breath with
these thoughts.
Almost in a
panic. As a
child it was
doubly so.
My desire to
understand is
only matched
with m desire
for experiences.
Paralleled with
this is my need
to not ever be
forgotten, for
only in others
minds can I
truly be
immortal. So I
work at no end,
in every medium,
creating things
that will out
live me. I am
constantly
writing in
journals,
creating my
static books and
obsession over
my own
mortality. With
this my art is
inspired. In my
art you may see
this
inspiration. The
dead coming back
to life. The
good and the
evil, both
sexes. Life and
death all as one
being. It is
this balance
that keeps me
sane. I need to
create and
learn. I have no
choice. |
This is the
underlining reasoning
behind the care I keep
of my health. My love
for life and everything
in it is immense and
controlling of my every
move. I do not consume
narcotics for the
elongating detriments
that they cause. In the
same breath I will not
forever deny myself of
the once experience. I
live for only tomorrow.
Today is not important.
But without today I
would not have tomorrow,
I understand this. So my
ever action is well
thought out in both
these aspects.
Much of my
life can be reflected in
this once you get to
know me. My obsession
will become apparent. It
may enthrall or
conceivably annoy. This
does not affect me. Not
many are able do this
with there opinions;
however I always want to
know what the view of me
is from the out side
looking in. I can not
see the forest for the
trees. Although you may
truly never know me, I
can only truly know me,
through your eyes.
Now if you
actually took the time
to read this I thank you
immensely! Please do
comment your thoughts on
this below. I am truly
interested in what your
rebuttal is. I will be
changing and updating
this periodically. The
date that I do so will
be stated at the top of
this passage.
Thank you
~XZanthia
Some of my Studies
VIDEOS:
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